My Body and Me - On the Same Team

I stared in the mirror and sobbed.

I didn't know what to feel, half horror and half sorrow. How and why did my body feel the need to break out in blisters and scabs, otherwise known as Shingles? The pain was one thing, but the visual shock was quite another.

I realized it too late. Four days into the sores and an antiviral isn't as effective. I just kept hoping whatever it was would go away. It didn't. Shingles is nerve pain, and I was told I had a severe case.

I wish I could put into words what I felt when my body stared back into my eyes through the glass.

I loaded up on all the supplements and supports to boost my immune system. I felt like my body hated me. For three years I've tried to support and nurture my auto-immune disease and this is my thanks? Betrayal.

I prayed for healing. Then something switched. 

Day six I looked into the mirror and all I felt was compassion. I sobbed again.

A sense of love and admiration washed over me. I looked into the mirror and whispered "you can do it, you can get better. You're fighting so hard. I want to help." And then I looked at myself and thought "am I talking to myself?" But I knew in that moment that my perspective entirely changed. I realized that for years my body has been trying to communicate with me... I was listening now.

I'm a mind-over-matter kind of girl. If I want to do it, I do it, regardless of the impact. If my body says stop, I take a deep breath and keep going. I'm not sure that has entirely changed, but my awareness has changed. And I feel the urge the count the cost.

What if I channeled my determination? What if I cared for this body that serves me every single day with the same determination? But cared for it in a way that honors the beauty and nourishes the strength.

Over the years my relationship with my own flesh and blood has improved, but it's hard to track the progress. I just know that last year I realized I valued myself in a way I never had. My auto immune disease had caused me to feel like I was fighting my body, wishing it would respond differently. I begged God to change it and desperately wished that my body wouldn't fight itself.

I now have a deeper appreciation for this complex body that God has entrusted to my care. A renewed desire to care for myself, a heart shift that I didn't even know I needed. 

Of Breakfast and Babies

I swung my feet over my bed and grumbled. 

I didn't want to make breakfast for my mother this fine fall morning. I wanted to walk down the stairs in my Vine St. apartment, grind my coffee, crack two eggs, listen to loud music drive by outside and go to work.

But then I stopped. I remembered that I had told my friend not too long ago that I couldn't wait to make breakfast for a man someday. To get up every morning and fix his eggs with mine. To have coffee brewing and just enjoy taking care of someone.

Here I am making breakfast for someone I love - not a man, but my mama. 

Tears ran down my brothers face as time stood still, his role as father now begun in earnest. Sweet baby Charlotte was snuggled up on her mama, baby feeling her mother's skin for the very first time. "You're so cute, you're so cute" were the lowly whispered words as my sister-in-law began to grasp the reality that she had powerfully and willingly pushed a new life into the world. A sacred moment.

I wanted it. I wanted the moment to be mine. To do something hard, to hold a baby and know that it is mine to invest in for years to come. Tears rolled down my cheeks, awe mixed with longing. I asked Jesus to be with me in that moment.

Jesus gently reminded me; to be a doula is a moment that is mine. It is to do something hard, to encourage, to empower and to invest. To be an aunt is to love a baby, a toddler, a teenager. All the sweet chubby and innocent faces of my nieces and nephews - they are mine to love, to cherish and to invest in. Could this also be sacred?

The dreams of my heart are not lost on my Jesus. The fulfillment of my dreams is not mine to decide, but how I enjoy this moment, that is mine to decide.

So I cry and I laugh. I search for the good, the meaningful and even, sometimes, the partial realization of my hearts desire. 

Eyes To See

I tattooed it on my wrist years ago. Eyes to See. Little did I know that it would still be speaking now.

Eyes to see.

"Eyes to see and ears to hear." It'll take me a lifetime to learn the first one, or maybe one leads to the other?

Eyes to see life from a different perspective. Eyes to see my mama as she is now. Cherish what was but embrace what is now.

Eyes to see God working all around me. 

Eyes to see the beauty in the mundane. 

Eyes to see the value that is sitting together, sometimes words, sometimes not.

Eyes to see the promise before the blessing comes.

Eyes to see disappointment and be thankful.

Eyes to see... and eyes that sometimes can't because the tears. Tears mixed with hurt and love. Often I can't tell the reason for the brimming that happens daily. 

But there is one who has Eyes that see it all. All of it. He sees me and He holds my tears in a bottle. He calls me closer and He comes even closer. He invites me to come and cry in His arms; come and laugh in His embrace. If I sit with Him a little longer perhaps I'll learn to see deeper. Perhaps, no I'm certain, He will give me His eyes to see.

3 Week Update

It's been over three weeks since my RAV4 pulled away from Vine St, Lancaster, PA.

Mom and I have settled into a routine. I'll write more on that later as it can be so encouraging and so depressing at the very same time. A paradox of sorts. So much of life is a paradox. Two opposites that are true at the same time. How does one manage the tension well?

Highlights

All the baby snuggles and kiddo kisses 
(14 local nieces & nephews)

Slow morning routine with my mama is coming together

Bedroom set up and cozy

Outdoor workout shed cleaned & I completed my first workout yesterday

Micro-seeds started on the kitchen window

Garden plot scoped out and plans in the making

Wedding dress picked out with the sister

Lots of moments of quiet and reflection

Walks through the woods as spring emerges

Warm wood stove mornings as spring taunts and evades us

Pansies planted on the front porch

Cleaning schedule outlined for the house

Two job applications

&

Countless special moments with my parents. I prayed for months in advance that our times together would be sweet. It's beautiful.

Challenges

How do I live in the moment when it feels like wasting time?

Does frying eggs and chopping salad fixings while having the same two chats for the 13th time with mama... does it matter in light of eternity? 

I miss the safety and calm of my Sunday morning worship service and community. I miss the predictable Saturday mornings at market. I miss the friends that know me, understand this version of me.

How does one find a new church when you never wanted to leave the old one? How do you embrace a new culture and leave judgement and skepticism at the door while still having preference and opinion?

Is my life on hold or maybe this current now, maybe this has purpose and beauty right here and now?

How do I find a job? I realized that I've never actually job hunted in my life. And it's probably on my list of least favorite things ever.

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My life looks very different then two months ago, but I have confidence that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Jesus is very patient with me as I muddle my way through the days. All the little joys are all around -- and God is giving me eyes to see. 

Memory

 Memory.

It comes and it goes.

Yet it's vital to our existence. What do we do when it starts to fade?

I clamor inside my brain. Trying to find a way to help her remember. But the harder I try to worse it gets. It's like explanation brings confusion. Words that are meant to clarify don't.

I watched my grandmother. Her mother, my grandmother. I watched disease eat away at memory. When memory leaves does love remain? Can you love if you don't remember?

If my mother follows her mother, will she remember me? Grandma didn't, will my mother?

Health is a choice, I can't choose for her.  So if love is attached to memory and memory goes without asking is love then the result of her own heart, or just because she remembers?

But love comes from God. He knows love, He knows me. He knows my mother and my grandmother. God knows hearts. He knows what their hearts remember, what their minds forget. God never forgets. He always remembers.

So I will remember, while I have memory. Because maybe memories are a result of moments spent with those you love. And you remember because you love. So if the memory goes away, the love still remains, even if you don't remember.

So you can have love without memory. Because God loves and always remembers. 

2024 - God is Enough

In September I began to pray for a theme for 2024. 

I can't remember when the answer came, but I felt it clear and strong - God is Enough.

I didn't like it.

I told God that I didn't like it and "why can't He give me a theme that is fun and exciting?" Hmm, maybe that's a matter of perspective

Little did I know that I would like it less as January progressed. Jan 16th I looked up moving trucks. $1440 + fuel. There goes my stuff. I had just put in notice for my job, there goes my career. I'm about to say goodbye to the people and spaces I've called mine for the last decade, there goes my security and identity. God is enough. Really?

I sobbed into my pillow. Packing all my stuff in my RAV4 was going to mean giving most of my things away, plants, hobbies, clothes. I called my brother, John. As I was lamenting over the phone I just stopped and listened to myself. Goodness. Yes, things can be important, but my attitude was down-right childish. Do I believe that God is Enough?

Time will tell.

My brother Josh has since called and arranged everything to help me move. I did go through and get rid of so much stuff, but I still have the clothes on my back and enough boxes in my basement to fill my RAV4 and a pickup truck. I'm grateful.

God is Enough. Even if I had to give it all away. Even when I had to give a lot away.

The future is staring me in the face and I can't see past this coming Saturday. 

Will God be Enough? I'm banking on it.

Christmas Disappointment

 Three flight cancellations. Four days at my house instead of home with my family.

I cried. Hard.

I scoured online as my family sent me dozens of different options and solutions. I finally realized that due to my limited finances and inability to drive through the night by myself, I would have to settle with my new flight date - four days after Christmas.

My stomach was growling and diner breakfast and coffee sounded delicious.  I dried my tears and tried to have a good attitude.

The diner was closed. Of course. And at that moment I lost all of my desire to be happy.

The emotions I felt were so strong. I couldn't smile. I didn't want to. Slow drivers ticked me off and I felt like swearing. I hadn't been this disappointed in a really long time. I didn't want anyone to tell me it would work out. I didn't want to see anyone.

I walked through Costco (trying to console myself with frozen pizza and Siete Cinnamon Churros) and pretty much scowled at anyone in my way. I felt like cutting off every cart, and I almost did. Family's together made me angry that I was separate from mine.

I pretty much growled at the perky Chick-fil-a drive-thru chap and they should thank their lucky stars that they didn't ask me how I was doing... they would've gotten my entire sob story.

I didn't want anyones solutions or well-wishes. I wanted to be miserable. And that is about the opposite of me as I could be.

Several hours have transpired since this morning and I have now learned so much about life. These next few points are for me. For me to remember for others and myself in the future.

Irritated people might just have a good reason to be irritated - give a little grace.

Offering solutions when someone is upset is not often the most helpful thing to do - show up and shut up.

"If you choose you've chosen" - don't blame Southwest for weather + that you live 1,200 miles from home.