"I'm sick of being single. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in the middle."
My thoughts were brutally honest as I shared my heart with Jesus on a Sunday afternoon drive. It wasn't that I wanted a relationship, or that I was longing for a guy in my life. I am content in my single state, enjoy the freedom that I have and am grateful for this season of my life (be it however long).
This restlessness came from a lack of purpose, or shall I say impact. Now, hear me out... this will hopefully make sense.
In Titus 2 Paul gives household order - Older men, older women, younger men and younger women. The older men lead, the older women teach the younger, young men have their families to lead and younger women are instructed to work their homes, submit to their husbands and raise children. Fabulous. But what about me? I realize these verses aren't meant to span the entire field of life stages, but I can't deny that I was a little frustrated - because my mind wanders and creates all sorts of questions.
Oh I know, I know there are verses to the single person (1 Cor. 7), but what about the single girls? I know I'm supposed to pursue Jesus, to be single-minded. But I wanted a specific purpose, a task, a tangible way to make an impact.
As I was wrestling these thoughts, a couple tears began to pool and I struggled to sort through my feelings. Then all of a sudden, in my heart, I felt Jesus say to me;
"I love you."
I stopped thinking and let my heart soak that in for a bit. And then I felt Him say,
"You reflect My beauty."
Once again I thought about that for a moment. And my life became less about me and my desires and more about Jesus. I was overwhelmed, and began to ask God "make me more like You! And then I got this;
"I am. You're single."
It hit me. I began to cry in earnest. I want to be like Jesus, and pray frequently that He would have His way, and do whatever it takes to reflect His beauty in me.
What if He is using my singleness to make me more like Himself?
What if not having a spelled out "purpose" forces me to seek Him on a daily basis - thus conforming my life to Him?
What if feeling insignificant teaches me that it's not about me, it's only Jesus in me that brings forth anything significant?
What if feeling in the middle brings me to my knees in prayer?
What if not having children allows me to pour into girls around me?
What if not having a husband gives me a special season of intimacy with Christ?
What if these feelings/doubts, this stage of life, are what Jesus is using to make me more like Himself?
Suddenly singleness doesn't feel so purposeless, or less impactful, or less significant. But rather a special time that God has given me to refine, shape and make me like Him - reflecting His beauty more purely and with greater intensity.
This restlessness came from a lack of purpose, or shall I say impact. Now, hear me out... this will hopefully make sense.
In Titus 2 Paul gives household order - Older men, older women, younger men and younger women. The older men lead, the older women teach the younger, young men have their families to lead and younger women are instructed to work their homes, submit to their husbands and raise children. Fabulous. But what about me? I realize these verses aren't meant to span the entire field of life stages, but I can't deny that I was a little frustrated - because my mind wanders and creates all sorts of questions.
Oh I know, I know there are verses to the single person (1 Cor. 7), but what about the single girls? I know I'm supposed to pursue Jesus, to be single-minded. But I wanted a specific purpose, a task, a tangible way to make an impact.
As I was wrestling these thoughts, a couple tears began to pool and I struggled to sort through my feelings. Then all of a sudden, in my heart, I felt Jesus say to me;
"I love you."
I stopped thinking and let my heart soak that in for a bit. And then I felt Him say,
"You reflect My beauty."
Once again I thought about that for a moment. And my life became less about me and my desires and more about Jesus. I was overwhelmed, and began to ask God "make me more like You! And then I got this;
"I am. You're single."
It hit me. I began to cry in earnest. I want to be like Jesus, and pray frequently that He would have His way, and do whatever it takes to reflect His beauty in me.
What if He is using my singleness to make me more like Himself?
What if not having a spelled out "purpose" forces me to seek Him on a daily basis - thus conforming my life to Him?
What if feeling insignificant teaches me that it's not about me, it's only Jesus in me that brings forth anything significant?
What if feeling in the middle brings me to my knees in prayer?
What if not having children allows me to pour into girls around me?
What if not having a husband gives me a special season of intimacy with Christ?
What if these feelings/doubts, this stage of life, are what Jesus is using to make me more like Himself?
Suddenly singleness doesn't feel so purposeless, or less impactful, or less significant. But rather a special time that God has given me to refine, shape and make me like Him - reflecting His beauty more purely and with greater intensity.
Beautiful and encouraging thoughts, Anna, thank you for sharing them!
ReplyDeleteVery transparent - thanks for sharing. But let me tell you, those questions and issues never go away. I'm at the other end of the line, and I can tell you that once you clear away the activities, business, obligations, and the noise, it still boils down to those same things. Being in love with Jesus, letting Him love you, and reflecting His beauty. And yes, even wrestling with that exact same set of questions you highlight at the end...it just takes longer to get there. ;) Be encouraged, and know you're on the right track! Oh, and don't forget to be thankful in your singleness for all the bad guys, bad relationships, and emotional disasters that God has spared you from during this time! EDB
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