The Ugly

Jesus, come quickly. Save this world again. Restore life. Restore memory.

In a text exchange with my brother... "They [parents] love when you come over." "Yeah, dad does, but mom doesn't know me."

I sobbed. I wasn't expecting that. It hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. I texted a friend, I needed to express. I needed to just dump the grief and not be told about the joy on the other side.

I know the silver lining is there. I search for, and find, beauty every single day. But some days I need to take the time and acknowledge that ugly is there, too. And it’s healing to sit in the ugly and be upset about it. Because this isn’t how it was supposed to be.

We don't stay there. Of course not. This life, despite the ugly, is too full of beauty, too full of little moments of joy and redemption. 

The beauty is waiting. 

And in a few moments I'm ready to find it again.

To My Nieces...

Dance with your daddy. Make cookies with your mommy.

Laugh. Giggle. Fight with your brothers and share secrets with your sisters.

When I take a look at your lives full of love and innocence my heart is overwhelmed with the reality you get to experience on a daily basis. It's beautiful.

You probably won't understand for a long time. I didn't. And I'm still not sure I do.

But life isn't like this for every little girl. In the same moment that you're sleeping in a warm bed, safe from all harm, there is a little girl that's alone, hurting and wondering what she did to feel so much pain.

When you get a glimpse of another girls life, please don't judge or assume. Leave space for what you don't know or understand. But don't double-guess your own experience. Don't despair of your "perfect" life. Live it fully. Love fully.

Embrace these days, this love. Open your heart so wide that love fills every crack and then spills right out onto everyone you interact with.

Don't forget that everyone has a story. Every woman you interact with was once a little girl. And every little girl just wanted to be seen and known and loved.

Use the love you've known to make a difference. Because it can and it will. 

Shoulda Bought the Tarp

I stood in line at Aldi and contemplated long and hard. 

Two tarps for $10. They weren't big, but they would be beneficial. I've needed one in the past. Something inside of me urged me to just buy the tarps. But I've been trying to save money after my trip to CO and so after putting them in and out of my cart two times, I left the tarps on the shelf.

Fast forward two weeks.

I'm standing in line at a local food truck and noticed a homeless man shuffling through his belongings. I asked if he needed any food because "I can just double my order and it's no problem." He thanked me kindly but answered "I bought food, but what I could really use is a tarp." The brisk wind and scattered raindrops hit my skin and sank deeper, straight to my heart.  

I was standing in an Aldi line. I said no to the tarp. Now my hands were empty.

As I drove away I was encouraged to listen, more often, to the sometimes quiet voice deep inside.

I choose not to carry guilt, only the regret of a missed opportunity, and the renewed conviction to discern with more intention the next time I'm deliberating the Quick Finds section of Aldi.

My Body and Me - On the Same Team

I stared in the mirror and sobbed.

I didn't know what to feel, half horror and half sorrow. How and why did my body feel the need to break out in blisters and scabs, otherwise known as Shingles? The pain was one thing, but the visual shock was quite another.

I realized it too late. Four days into the sores and an antiviral isn't as effective. I just kept hoping whatever it was would go away. It didn't. Shingles is nerve pain, and I was told I had a severe case.

I wish I could put into words what I felt when my body stared back into my eyes through the glass.

I loaded up on all the supplements and supports to boost my immune system. I felt like my body hated me. For three years I've tried to support and nurture my auto-immune disease and this is my thanks? Betrayal.

I prayed for healing. Then something switched. 

Day six I looked into the mirror and all I felt was compassion. I sobbed again.

A sense of love and admiration washed over me. I looked into the mirror and whispered "you can do it, you can get better. You're fighting so hard. I want to help." And then I looked at myself and thought "am I talking to myself?" But I knew in that moment that my perspective entirely changed. I realized that for years my body has been trying to communicate with me... I was listening now.

I'm a mind-over-matter kind of girl. If I want to do it, I do it, regardless of the impact. If my body says stop, I take a deep breath and keep going. I'm not sure that has entirely changed, but my awareness has changed. And I feel the urge the count the cost.

What if I channeled my determination? What if I cared for this body that serves me every single day with the same determination? But cared for it in a way that honors the beauty and nourishes the strength.

Over the years my relationship with my own flesh and blood has improved, but it's hard to track the progress. I just know that last year I realized I valued myself in a way I never had. My auto immune disease had caused me to feel like I was fighting my body, wishing it would respond differently. I begged God to change it and desperately wished that my body wouldn't fight itself.

I now have a deeper appreciation for this complex body that God has entrusted to my care. A renewed desire to care for myself, a heart shift that I didn't even know I needed. 

Of Breakfast and Babies

I swung my feet over my bed and grumbled. 

I didn't want to make breakfast for my mother this fine fall morning. I wanted to walk down the stairs in my Vine St. apartment, grind my coffee, crack two eggs, listen to loud music drive by outside and go to work.

But then I stopped. I remembered that I had told my friend not too long ago that I couldn't wait to make breakfast for a man someday. To get up every morning and fix his eggs with mine. To have coffee brewing and just enjoy taking care of someone.

Here I am making breakfast for someone I love - not a man, but my mama. 

Tears ran down my brothers face as time stood still, his role as father now begun in earnest. Sweet baby Charlotte was snuggled up on her mama, baby feeling her mother's skin for the very first time. "You're so cute, you're so cute" were the lowly whispered words as my sister-in-law began to grasp the reality that she had powerfully and willingly pushed a new life into the world. A sacred moment.

I wanted it. I wanted the moment to be mine. To do something hard, to hold a baby and know that it is mine to invest in for years to come. Tears rolled down my cheeks, awe mixed with longing. I asked Jesus to be with me in that moment.

Jesus gently reminded me; to be a doula is a moment that is mine. It is to do something hard, to encourage, to empower and to invest. To be an aunt is to love a baby, a toddler, a teenager. All the sweet chubby and innocent faces of my nieces and nephews - they are mine to love, to cherish and to invest in. Could this also be sacred?

The dreams of my heart are not lost on my Jesus. The fulfillment of my dreams is not mine to decide, but how I enjoy this moment, that is mine to decide.

So I cry and I laugh. I search for the good, the meaningful and even, sometimes, the partial realization of my hearts desire. 

Eyes To See

I tattooed it on my wrist years ago. Eyes to See. Little did I know that it would still be speaking now.

Eyes to see.

"Eyes to see and ears to hear." It'll take me a lifetime to learn the first one, or maybe one leads to the other?

Eyes to see life from a different perspective. Eyes to see my mama as she is now. Cherish what was but embrace what is now.

Eyes to see God working all around me. 

Eyes to see the beauty in the mundane. 

Eyes to see the value that is sitting together, sometimes words, sometimes not.

Eyes to see the promise before the blessing comes.

Eyes to see disappointment and be thankful.

Eyes to see... and eyes that sometimes can't because the tears. Tears mixed with hurt and love. Often I can't tell the reason for the brimming that happens daily. 

But there is one who has Eyes that see it all. All of it. He sees me and He holds my tears in a bottle. He calls me closer and He comes even closer. He invites me to come and cry in His arms; come and laugh in His embrace. If I sit with Him a little longer perhaps I'll learn to see deeper. Perhaps, no I'm certain, He will give me His eyes to see.

3 Week Update

It's been over three weeks since my RAV4 pulled away from Vine St, Lancaster, PA.

Mom and I have settled into a routine. I'll write more on that later as it can be so encouraging and so depressing at the very same time. A paradox of sorts. So much of life is a paradox. Two opposites that are true at the same time. How does one manage the tension well?

Highlights

All the baby snuggles and kiddo kisses 
(14 local nieces & nephews)

Slow morning routine with my mama is coming together

Bedroom set up and cozy

Outdoor workout shed cleaned & I completed my first workout yesterday

Micro-seeds started on the kitchen window

Garden plot scoped out and plans in the making

Wedding dress picked out with the sister

Lots of moments of quiet and reflection

Walks through the woods as spring emerges

Warm wood stove mornings as spring taunts and evades us

Pansies planted on the front porch

Cleaning schedule outlined for the house

Two job applications

&

Countless special moments with my parents. I prayed for months in advance that our times together would be sweet. It's beautiful.

Challenges

How do I live in the moment when it feels like wasting time?

Does frying eggs and chopping salad fixings while having the same two chats for the 13th time with mama... does it matter in light of eternity? 

I miss the safety and calm of my Sunday morning worship service and community. I miss the predictable Saturday mornings at market. I miss the friends that know me, understand this version of me.

How does one find a new church when you never wanted to leave the old one? How do you embrace a new culture and leave judgement and skepticism at the door while still having preference and opinion?

Is my life on hold or maybe this current now, maybe this has purpose and beauty right here and now?

How do I find a job? I realized that I've never actually job hunted in my life. And it's probably on my list of least favorite things ever.

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My life looks very different then two months ago, but I have confidence that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Jesus is very patient with me as I muddle my way through the days. All the little joys are all around -- and God is giving me eyes to see.