Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Memory

 Memory.

It comes and it goes.

Yet it's vital to our existence. What do we do when it starts to fade?

I clamor inside my brain. Trying to find a way to help her remember. But the harder I try to worse it gets. It's like explanation brings confusion. Words that are meant to clarify don't.

I watched my grandmother. Her mother, my grandmother. I watched disease eat away at memory. When memory leaves does love remain? Can you love if you don't remember?

If my mother follows her mother, will she remember me? Grandma didn't, will my mother?

Health is a choice, I can't choose for her.  So if love is attached to memory and memory goes without asking is love then the result of her own heart, or just because she remembers?

But love comes from God. He knows love, He knows me. He knows my mother and my grandmother. God knows hearts. He knows what their hearts remember, what their minds forget. God never forgets. He always remembers.

So I will remember, while I have memory. Because maybe memories are a result of moments spent with those you love. And you remember because you love. So if the memory goes away, the love still remains, even if you don't remember.

So you can have love without memory. Because God loves and always remembers. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2024

2024 - God is Enough

In September I began to pray for a theme for 2024. 

I can't remember when the answer came, but I felt it clear and strong - God is Enough.

I didn't like it.

I told God that I didn't like it and "why can't He give me a theme that is fun and exciting?" Hmm, maybe that's a matter of perspective

Little did I know that I would like it less as January progressed. Jan 16th I looked up moving trucks. $1440 + fuel. There goes my stuff. I had just put in notice for my job, there goes my career. I'm about to say goodbye to the people and spaces I've called mine for the last decade, there goes my security and identity. God is enough. Really?

I sobbed into my pillow. Packing all my stuff in my RAV4 was going to mean giving most of my things away, plants, hobbies, clothes. I called my brother, John. As I was lamenting over the phone I just stopped and listened to myself. Goodness. Yes, things can be important, but my attitude was down-right childish. Do I believe that God is Enough?

Time will tell.

My brother Josh has since called and arranged everything to help me move. I did go through and get rid of so much stuff, but I still have the clothes on my back and enough boxes in my basement to fill my RAV4 and a pickup truck. I'm grateful.

God is Enough. Even if I had to give it all away. Even when I had to give a lot away.

The future is staring me in the face and I can't see past this coming Saturday. 

Will God be Enough? I'm banking on it.


Monday, December 26, 2022

Christmas Disappointment

 Three flight cancellations. Four days at my house instead of home with my family.

I cried. Hard.

I scoured online as my family sent me dozens of different options and solutions. I finally realized that due to my limited finances and inability to drive through the night by myself, I would have to settle with my new flight date - four days after Christmas.

My stomach was growling and diner breakfast and coffee sounded delicious.  I dried my tears and tried to have a good attitude.

The diner was closed. Of course. And at that moment I lost all of my desire to be happy.

The emotions I felt were so strong. I couldn't smile. I didn't want to. Slow drivers ticked me off and I felt like swearing. I hadn't been this disappointed in a really long time. I didn't want anyone to tell me it would work out. I didn't want to see anyone.

I walked through Costco (trying to console myself with frozen pizza and Siete Cinnamon Churros) and pretty much scowled at anyone in my way. I felt like cutting off every cart, and I almost did. Family's together made me angry that I was separate from mine.

I pretty much growled at the perky Chick-fil-a drive-thru chap and they should thank their lucky stars that they didn't ask me how I was doing... they would've gotten my entire sob story.

I didn't want anyones solutions or well-wishes. I wanted to be miserable. And that is about the opposite of me as I could be.

Several hours have transpired since this morning and I have now learned so much about life. These next few points are for me. For me to remember for others and myself in the future.

Irritated people might just have a good reason to be irritated - give a little grace.

Offering solutions when someone is upset is not often the most helpful thing to do - show up and shut up.

"If you choose you've chosen" - don't blame Southwest for weather + that you live 1,200 miles from home.


Sunday, October 2, 2022

Jirah: God is Enough

 I sat down in the row at church feeling heavy.  It was a hard weekend. 
More tears than smiles.

Then the message came, more truth than... well, it was all truth. 

I fought the truth hard, tried to make myself the exception. But the thing I've noticed in my relationship with God, when I wrestle with Him He always wins. But the wrestle is needed, because I refuse to have blind faith. I refuse to just say that "God is good" unless I actually and truly believe it. This morning I doubted and I shared my doubt with God Himself. I worshiped anyway because I know that what is true has not to do just with what I feel. So I searched through the fear and the doubt and proclaimed truth. Or maybe I listened to the truth being sung all around me even if I couldn't say the words myself.

I was driving home reflecting on the truth that was preached. God Provides. Everything, always.

Do I believe that? This past weekend, if I'm going to be honest was really hard especially as a single girl. More tears than smiles.

A country song was playing on the radio Buy Dirt and as I was listening I began to think of a slideshow I would create should I find someone someday (dreaming of a cute little farm-ette with a couple babies - just keeping it real, my friends). Journeying together with someone through the highs and lows of life. Then I stopped right there.

Why wait? 

Why wait to make the slideshow. God provides right now, not just if I was to someday find a man.

I began to think of the photos that would make up this last year, proof that my Jesus provides. This reel was born out of that.

Jehovah Jirah: God Provides, God is enough. 

For me. Right now.

Tonight the tears may flow again. But I am learning to embrace the idea that I can feel both joy and contentment AND sadness and longing at the same time. 

Right in the middle of all those feelings is Jesus - promising to be enough for me. Promising to provide. For me.

In your life right now what is proof that God provides? I challenge you, make this quick reel - just 27 photos. Married, single, somewhere in-between or nowhere close, focus for a few moments on Jirah. 




Saturday, March 5, 2022

My Hands

Hands. I took them for granted for a full 30 years.

I need them to pour water, unscrew my toothpaste, grasp my crochet needle and to give a firm handshake.

For six months I woke up with pain shooting through my knuckles and left wrist. I pretended it didn't exist. As I winced slinging my backpack over my shoulder, I told myself that surely it was something weird and would go away soon.

Nope.

After a foot surgery to remove a mass and foot discomfort, my doctor recommended I see a rheumatologist. I balked at the idea. I'm just thirty years old, active, fairly healthy and always had control over my body.

My roommate encouraged me to keep the appointment the doctor had scheduled. The specialist ordered blood work and confirmed my fears - I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I didn't know what that meant. But a quick google search revealed that I had an auto immune disease. The worst part; I couldn't make it go away. Yes, I'm learning there are ways to manage the pain, address the inflammation, but that's different.

This is the beginning of a journey I wish I didn't have to travel. Sometimes my heart is at peace, other times I'm angry at God. There are days where I love the challenge of tackling this from a functional medicine perspective and other days where I just want the pain to be gone. 

Pouring water, unscrewing my toothpaste, crocheting, now these basic activities aren't without pain. I'm hoping it'll get better. I'm actively working with a doctor. I pray for healing. But I have to be ok with this. I have to learn to trust my Jesus in a whole new way. 

I'm still learning, but I have a patient Teacher.

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Today death stings, but it won't always.

I feel such sadness. I feel such joy.

My heart wants to break, my heart wants to sing.

My dad always says "pain and happiness run on parallel tracks and often arrive at the same time." My heart feels this ,and then doesn't know what to feel.

Actually no, my heart knows what to feel but my mind often tries to tell my heart that it can't dwell on joy and pain simultaneously. I try to justify the pain while also avoiding the joy.

Jesus wept fully knowing eternity.

My heart is rooted in truth, that I know for sure. To allow my heart to be sad is not negating truth, but rather its allowing my heart to stay soft in order for the truth to stay firm. If I ignore the pain I allow what is a real emotion to go unaddressed. And in my experience pain left alone builds to bitterness, resentment and doubt. 

My sister put it beautifully.

"Having days to reflect on the pain is important. Taking time to remember the goodness of God in the midst of difficult moments is biblical."

Today I will not wallow, but I will lament. 

I will always remember to never forget. #13years #AHB


Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Grandpa

It has been a wish of mine for my grandpa to hold my baby in his arms and pray.

I love when my grandpa prays. It's like heaven bends down. His faith shines strong and mine grows.

Now he's with Jesus. No need for prayers.

I lament not hearing his spoken prayers over my life and those that would maybe belong to me. But then I was reminded that those prayers were already spoken. My grandpa prayed in faith. My grandpa prayed for me by name and and for my children, because God already knows their names (or if they'll ever even be).

What hope I have because of faith. Because of heaven. Because of prayers of years past to be fulfilled in years to come.

My heart finds comfort.

I'm sure that Jesus seated my grandpa right next to the heroes of old. Pretty sure he couldn't grow a beard, and he may not have slain a giant or seen walls fall, but my grandpa lived by faith and went to battle every single day on his knees.

Grandpa had the kind of faith that slays sin. The kind of faith that watches walls of bitterness crumble. The kind of faith that carries a man through life and straight into the presence of God.

xoxo, Grandpa, I miss you, but not forever.