I rolled over and buried my face into the pillow.
I told myself I had no reason to cry. I began a pep talk to myself on how lucky I am and that I should just shrug and be grateful.
And then I felt the presence of Jesus. I don't pretend to hear God's audible voice. And I won't try and put words in His mouth. But my heart sensed His love and my thoughts interpreted them this way...
Anna, it's OK to cry. Your heart is feeling, the very thing it was made to do. Your life is good, but let the tears fall. You want to belong, you want to feel important, you long to be needed and affirmed. You want your life to have purpose, you desire to just love people and see their lives restored.
But what if Jesus is asking you to come away with Him? To rest in His enough-ness and His completeness? To not feel the thrill of your success, but rather the satisfaction of His presence.
What if all He wants from you is your raw and real heart.
The heart that feels deeply. The heart that gets confused. The heart that leaps for joy at the sight of a sunflower or field of wildflowers. The heart that gets overcome with jealousy and envy. The heart that longs to please Him, but fails time after time again. The heart overcast in shame, but also the one that revels in grace. Yes, the heart that belongs to Anna.
Jesus wants my heart.
I laid there on my bed feeling alone, but it was different now.
All the pretenses, all the striving, all the pride... let the tears carry it all away.
My heart is slowing breaking.
"But a broken and contrite heart He will not despise." Psalm 51
When I am broken, then I am made whole.
And every time my heart cracks, I pray it looks a little more like Jesus.
